Your umbrella is an obstruction

Your umbrella is an obstruction.  The footpaths and the sidewalks, the doorframes and the stairs outside are too thin for your umbrella.  I’m certainly happy you all made it through the storm, pity we looked like a bunch of tourists for the trouble.

Another forty-degree day and Atlanta treats it like winter.  Another day without sunshine and Atlanta forgets how to drive.  But when it rains in Terminus, God save us when it rains.  When it rains in Atlanta it seems the social contract is void.  Raving wolves drive our cars, cutting across corners and paying no mind for pedestrians.  Everyone on foot seems to have a golf umbrella, appropriate for light walks through fields and fairways no doubt, but our sidewalks weren’t made for your SUV substitute.  Besides umbrellas make you look like a tourist.

There’s something special about rain; it’s cleansing.  Yes I know it sucks when it’s cold.  I know it’s awful when the wind blows too hard.  But you know what else is rough?  Being hit in the face by your unwieldy, pronged extension.  Being on the receiving end of a blunted stiletto propelled by the wind, the Romans called your loose umbrella a ballista.  Perhaps umbrellas would be a better utility if we introduced the buddy system.  Doesn’t that sound nice?  You and a buddy or significant other could shield yourselves from the elements together.  It’s like a scene from a movie.

I have a raincoat; I really like wearing my raincoat have a song for it and everything.  But you don’t have to do what I do.  There is any number of options if you decide not to use an umbrella for whatever reason you choose.    You could wear any sort of jacket or coat and hats are nice too.  Have you ever met someone who’s been hit in the face on accident by a hat on someone else’s head?  Have you ever gasped for the safety of small children as an over coat slipped off a person and flew toward an unattended pram?

Plus there are choices in umbrellas that are better than others.  The next time you’re out… umbrella shopping (gift shops maybe?), ask yourself, will this completely invade everyone’s personal space around me?  Is it too heavy for me?  Would it be too heavy for me with much wind?  Do what you do, but remember the next time you’re out purchasing a new umbrella that they’re a nuisance and make you look like a tourist.