Congratulations, you’ve gotten the hard part out of the way. Through some magical combination of your words, charm and, probably, money, you have actually managed to alter another human being’s neurochemistry enough to convince them that sleeping with you is a somewhat reasonable idea. Good for you.
Now the obligatory bottle of cheap red wine is empty, the lights are dimmed and your partner-in-sex has entrusted you with the all-mighty iPod. You’re at the crossroads of your own choose-your-own-adventure novel and you have two paths to take. You can either dazzle your partner with an array of sensual, bodily fluid-inducing tunes or scare them out of your life (and bedroom) forever with a playlist fitting for a tone-deaf psychopath. The choice is yours.
Top five songs to make sex
1. “Fall in Love (Instrumental)” – J Dilla
No disrespect to Slum Village, the group Dilla originally produced this for, but the starry space and laid-back vibe of “Fall In Love” are best imbibed without vocals. Even though its melody is a sparse five notes that simply guides listeners into a boundless trance, it drowns out the static of the outside world and briefly turns any bedroom into an isolated, alternate dimension.
2. “Brown Sugar” – D’Angelo
Even though the lyrics of R&B; legend D’Angelo’s breakthrough hit “Brown Sugar” strongly suggest an ode to cannabis, his steamy metaphors and the track’s sultry production are unabashedly carnal. His voice is smoother than rose petals and anyone who fails to be entranced by it is basically asexual.
3. “Over The Ice” – The Field
The foundations of minimal techno artist The Field mirror everything good sex should be. His compositions slowly build with a subtle, pounding pulse that welcome additional rhythms and samples that peak to a roaring climax that gently fades away into quiet bliss.
4. “Breakfast Can Wait” – Prince
Even though Prince is eligible for an AARP membership, he still holds his title as the globe’s unofficial ambassador of sex. His latest single, “Breakfast Can Wait,” takes his love of making love to a whole new level by actually downplaying the importance of breakfast and proposing that sex may, in fact, be the most important meal of the day.
5. “To Here Knows When” – My Bloody Valentine
Despite coming off an album entitled “Loveless,” the swirling ambiance of this track embodies love-making in every sense. Lead guitarist Kevin Shields’ woozy reverb subdues the senses, and Belinda Butcher’s ghostly vocals ooze sensuality and intimacy.
Top five songs to break sex
1. “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?” – Frank Zappa
If the title isn’t evidence enough, a power ballad dedicated to fiery urination should make the majority of the human race bolt out of the bedroom and take a hot shower. Unless of course they’re into that sort of thing, in which case, I suggest you run. Run fast.
2. “The Moment” – Kenny G
Maybe Kenny G, the golden-haired lion of elevator jazz, would be an appropriate selection if you were making love to a boozy soccer mom. But for most occasions, putting on Kenny G instantly gives the bedchambers the stale air of a dentist’s office or a shopping mall.
3. “KeKe The Adopted Tabby Cat Makes History” – Lil B
Hip-hop’s absurdly prolific cult leader Lil B is dedicated to bringing to life any nonsensical theme or notion that pops into his head. “KeKe The Adopted Tabby Cat Makes History” is perhaps his boldest move, considering there is literally nothing to the song but his beloved feline KeKe purring over a raucous beat. While this track may advance the artistic recognition of cats everywhere, it is kitty kryptonite in the bedroom.
4. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” – Poison
Is there anything more unsexy than Bret Micheals crooning about his failed love life? I hope not.
5. “Expose Yourself To Kids” – GG Allin
GG Allin is the prince of perversion, the sultan of sickness, the deacon of disgust – you get the idea. Shock rock’s poster child had numerous singles formulated to horrify, but “Expose Yourself To Kids” is arguably his most offensive and one of the most surefire ways to brutally destroy any and all sexual tension.
