Why the elevators need bouncers

Kevin Maloney

You know those people who hop onto your elevator even though everyone is already crammed in there? Then the weight limit alarm goes off, but that one dude who just got on still won’t get off despite the sour looks everyone is giving him. I try my best to clear people off the elevators sometimes by reminding everyone there’s a chance we’ll all die in this small, crammed metal box, but I can’t be in every elevator at all times. This is why we need a group of short-tempered bouncers to regulate the elevators. Think about it: put a velvet rope outside the elevators and a big dude with a clipboard decides who makes the cut. If anyone even thinks of getting on the elevator just to go up one floor, the bouncer will call them out and not let them get off until they ride the elevator for the two-floor minimum.

This system of selective people riding the elevators will bring much needed traffic to the stairs. Most of the time when I take the stairs, there’s always someone chilling in the middle of the stairs. Really? Is this what we do now? Hang out in the middle of the staircase? Then they always seem upset at me for making them get out of my way as I go down the stairs, like I’m the one who isn’t using the stairs the right way. If we have less people in the elevators and more people on the stairs, we can get rid of all the people taking naps in the staircases.

I understand why most people don’t want to take the stairs; they’re totally empty most of the time. I’ve seen enough episodes of Law and Order SVU, Sopranos, and late-night commercials for attorneys to know that empty staircases are usually where people get sexually assaulted. If the bouncers are discouraging people from going on the elevators, then there’s more foot traffic on the stairs and we all become much safer. Support the safety for your colleges: support bouncers on the elevators.