Gues Column by John Miller
What makes a healthy, long-lasting relationship? Let me begin by saying that everything expressed in this column beyond this point should be read purely as being how it seems to me. I’ve been in a few relationships myself — some good, some bad — and I am in no way an expert.
It seems to me that the first condition is that both people want to be in a long-term relationship with each other.
In order for that to work, each person has to have a pretty accurate idea of who the other person is and what their actual personality is like. If a long-term commitment is made without a fairly comprehensive knowledge of the person to whom it is being made, then the commitment is open to deception.
A good way to do this is to date for a period of time before committing in the first place. Also, each person should give thought to the future of their relationship. How long-term does each person want it to be? What is the likelihood of a change of heart? Will the relationship get in the way of some other goal?
Once the commitment is made, it has to be continually reinforced. Often, problems in a relationship can be solved by simply extending an expression of concern. For example, if a couple has been fighting and are not speaking, it’s very important for one to set aside their anger and make sure that the other knows they still care for them, no matter what caused the anger. That is not to say that a relationship is always more important than the cause of the anger, but it is important to recognize when it is not and immediately try to make amends.
Another thing that seems to be important is for each person to make up for some of the other’s faults. In order to grow together, each person needs to be able to identify unhealthy habits in the other as well as other things that might put the relationship in jeopardy. This is a delicate aspect of a long-term relationship because more often than not, people are resistant to change. It’s up to each person to remind the other that they’re encouraging him or her to change for the better — to say that they’re not trying to make them someone different from who they are, just a better version.
People get into relationships for all sorts of apparent reasons, but the underlying reason is that every person on this planet is born with the need to love and be loved. Relationships are just a way for people to express that need to one another. Because it is such a heartfelt and personal need, it is essential for people to respect the vulnerability that comes with its expression.
