Throughout your collegiate career, you will learn to navigate the city. But for any first timers acquainting themselves with the South’s concrete jungle, here’s a rundown on how to maneuver through the streets with the help of several common freshman quotes. Which quote do you fall under?
“I’m too good for public transportation”
Believe it or not, the silent majority feel this way. Here are my suggestions to you.
1. Buy a Segway. Can’t afford one? That’s fine, just rent one until you can.
2. Hire a chauffer. Parking is too much of a hassle and never convenient. Just pay someone else to worry about it.
3. Siri knows best. Umm…You can’t be serious. Ask a stranger for directions.
Know that Atlanta is a city of douchebags. And I mean that with the utmost respect. Act like one, and you’ll fit right in.
That doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. Granted you will meet plenty of cool ATLiens, hipsters that went “all organic” and are spiritually enlightened, plus a plethora of volunteers to charitable organizations. But they too have an inner douchebag.
“I’ve lived in a big city before”
Great, you’ll know who not to ask for directions.
Students that fit in this category make the city their playground. My suggestion, grab a bike because the sidewalk will only slow you down.
Explore every block in every direction for as long as the skyscrapers are in view. Stay open to where ever that journey lands you.
While on your ride, “don’t judge a book by its cover”—the epitome of Atlanta. Hidden behind corroded walls, unique establishments pride themselves for the company they keep. Outsiders here on vacation satisfy themselves with tourist attractions—passing by fine dinners, fancy music studios, art galleries, and exclusive boutiques even some locals never knew existed.
Embrace the city. Definitely worth the effort if you wish to diversify the scenery of your Instagram photos.
“I hate being seen”
You’re probably a Facebook stalker. Know that being totally invisible isn’t possible. You will be noticed by the many people-watchers. But there are ways to be inconspicuous and covert:
First, avoid making awkward eye contact and don’t give off the death stare everywhere you go either. It’s natural to get agitated but you don’t want to look it. Try to appear relaxed.
When the campus is overcrowded with students on Tuesdays and Thursdays —which it will be between twelve and two —you can always walk underneath the courtyard. Don’t be a killjoy and complain about how inconvenient the tradition is to you.
“I heard there’s a trolley”
Yup. A trolley is definitely in the works.
We’ll see how that goes. After a few rides I’m sure you’ll start to think it’s over rated.
“I just want to get to where I’m going”
Gosh, you’re so rational and think logically. People who fit this category excel in math courses or usually fit the role of designated driver.
Make use of the Panther Express. You’ll quietly remain seated while nonchalantly scrolling through your Twitter feed. Occasionally, one of Atlanta’s douchebags will hop on, blaring music through their Beats headphones, loud enough for the entire bus to hear. If the song selection is not of your preference, tap them on the shoulder and make a song request.
And when crossing the street, flagrantly yell at drivers for approaching the cross walk too close. Remember you’re the pedestrian and you have the right of way. Let that douche-baggery from the traveling jukebox you met earlier rub off onto you. Heck, play horse shoes in the middle of the street or a game of sand bag.
“I heard I might get robbed”
Yea, so. What are you worried for, guilty conscious?
Look, no one has planned out a heist to take control of your financial assets. Unless you’re showboating a gold plated Macbook and you’re not Trinidad James, you’ll be okay.
More than likely, you will have to waltz through Woodruff Park or nearby to get to class. Everyday, a congregation of homeless people will hang out in the area. Do not be afraid. They can smell fear and will cunningly swindle you out of your money simply through their words.
Broad Street is an excellent choice for lunch but I highly recommend that you do not waltz around with your iPad late at night playing Candy Crush. Asking friends for lives when it is dark out isn’t the smartest decision of you to make.
If you do ignore my warning, at least request they loan you a charger so your battery won’t die in case you’re wrestled into a car. You’re going to need something to help pass the time while being held ransom. I kid, I kid.
“I still don’t know how to get anywhere”
Get a horse and buggy. No, seriously.
You’ll see carriages pulled by steeds trotting along with a waste bag strapped around their rear collecting fecal matter. Try not catching a whiff with your mouth open.
Find a date. It’s so romantic, minus the horse crap you have to put up with.
This is the best safari a concrete jungle has to offer, from the driver steering the horse to the well lit streets like Peachtree. Pick one, there’s a gazillion Peachtree streets. He’ll compliment the both of you on your outfits and say you’re such a lovely couple. Make recommendations on places to take your date next and you’ll feel so much more connected with the city.
Just be prepared to tip him at the end, or risk being subjected to a couple of unwarranted remarks because he’s a charming douchebag too!
