What’s this? The local theaters seemed to be filled with nothing but panned tripe? There seems to be no shortage of award shows? An awful lot of magazine racks seem to be all asking cryptically “who wore it best”? Why it must be Oscar Season! That’s right movie going audience, that magical time of the year is upon us once again! Where you can keep your precious opinions, shut the eff up, and let the experts tell you what you should have been watching instead of “Stuff Blowing 2: The Beginning” for the 12th time or working the night shift to keep the lights on you uncultured knuckle dragger. “But wait!”, you say. “I haven’t seen any of these movies! How will I even know what’s going on? And do the seriously still give out awards for Sound Mixing?” Fret not hypothetical reader! I’ve got a crash course for you on the only awards that anyone will talk about (Sorry Sound Editing), so you won’t miss your chance to have an opinion on something, Mr. Important you! Who’s got culture? You do! So without further ado:
You’re A #1 (And So Are My Opinions) Oscar Predictions!
Best Picture
Who Should Win: Argo
Wow, who’da thunk that seven years ago we’d be saying, “Man I can’t wait for that new Ben Affleck movie!” Argo tells the crazy story of this one time the CIA decided to put the safety of American hostages in the hands of the real heroes; Hollywood. That little message doesn’t hurt it’s chances. And on top of that, it’s pretty damn good.
Who’ll Probably Win? Les Miserables
Look for this movie to basically be that kid in high school who keeps getting up when their name’s called to collect another damn achievement award. Not that Les Mis doesn’t deserve the props it’s getting. The star studded cast of Anne Hathaway, Hugh Jackman, and Russell Crowe are dynamite in this adaptation of the famous musical. But come on guys. Odds are pretty good you’ve already (spoiler alert) netted Best Actor/Supporting Actress anyway.
Best Actor:
Who Should Win? Hugh Jackman (Les’ Miserables)
Wolverine can sing! That and he’s helped by the fact Joaquin Phoenix wasn’t the best thing about his film (The Master), Bradley Cooper shouldn’t be rewarded for playing the same smug, unbalanced douche for the 5th time (Silver Linings Playbook), Daniel Day Lewis pretty much expects to be rewarded for his annoying “method acting” (Lincoln) and have I mentioned that Wolverine can sing? He’s also in luck that no one who votes on the Oscars probably saw Movie 43.
Who’ll Probably Win? Hugh Jackman
What? Me and Hollywood can agree sometimes.
Best Actress:
Who Should Win? Quvenzhané Wallis (Beasts Of The Southern Wild)
Okay this kid is just too damn adorable for words and at only 9 years old, out acts plenty of other so called “talents”. In truth, asking a child to act loveable is like asking a shark to act hungry. But it’s also really easy for child actors to rely TOO much on their innate “aww shucks!” attitude and transcend into “annoying” and “drop kickable” really quickly. Quvenzhane manages to carry the entire movie and never turns off the audience once.
Who’ll Probably Win? Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty)
She’s the quintessential sexy pick (in more ways than one) and the fallback award if Zero Dark Thirty fails to net Best Director. Though to be fair, Ms. Chastain does add some much needed charter to an otherwise joyless movie.
Best Supporting Actor:
Who Should Win? Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained)
The actor who was widely (and perhaps unfortunately) known as “The Jew Hunter” in Tarantino’s other movie, Inglourious Basterds, is well on his way to being a household name with a slightly less offensive title. His German “dentist gone bounty hunter” role in Unchained is just crazy enough to stand out but sincere enough to work.
Who’ll Probably Win? Philip Seymour Hoffman (The Master)
Pickings are slim here with most of the nominees having already closets full of Oscars. And as much as I loved Alan Arkin in Argo he doesn’t really warrant the Supporting Actor status. So with the nepotism shot, it looks like the award will actually go to whoever had the most talent; a surprising move for The Academy Awards. The Hoffman’s cooky Scientology-lite Dr. lancaster Dodd, owns every scene he’s in.
Best Supporting Actress:
Who Should Win? Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables)
See Best Actor only substitute “Wolverine can sing!” to “Catwoman can sing!”
Who’ll Probably Win? Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables)
I’m torn how I feel about this. On one hand, Hathaway is simply amazing in Les Miserables and simply MAKES the movie. On the other, Helen Hunt pushed herself way out of the box to play a sex therapist to a paralyzed polio victim in an Iron Lung (John Hawkes) in what should be a very unsexy role. (The Sessions) But not only does it manage to be that but it somehow comes all the way around to become a very sweet romance. I’m just saying it’s a little easier to say yes to an acclaimed Broadway musical
Best Animated Feature Film:
Who Should Win? Wreck-It Ralph
Disney has proven they can make engaging, creative, and beautiful stories without the Pixar brand (which has started to show it’s age in recent years) Wreck-It Ralph is all of the above. The story of a video game villain turned hero is a visual treat and loaded with just the right amount of 8-bit nostalgia.
Who’ll Probably Win? Brave
Because it’s Pixar and they’re generally known for being the juggernauts of animation. Not the Brave isn’t an beautiful rendered film. The Scottish countryside and the rebellious Princess Merida’s (Kelly Macdonald) hair are true animation feats and worth the price of admission. But the knee jerk reaction of “give it to Pixar because they made a bunch of good movies” has all the markings of safe choice. Especially for a film that just doesn’t have carry the same magic found in previous Pixar films.
Best Director:
Who Should Win? Benh Zeitlin (Beasts Of The Southern Wild)
Lemme set the premise for you. A small town in New Orleans is sinking when icebergs melt and release a herd of ancient prehistoric beasts. And the movie still manages to make it about a dysfunctional family relationship between an alcoholic father who’s trying to do better, and his wise beyond her years, 6-year old daughter. THAT is what you call a feat of directing.
Who’ll Probably Win? Ang Lee (Life Of Pi)
A cinematic spectacle in it’s own right and has a story that feels just as personal as Beasts. It just managed to be talked about much more by taking advantage of a strong holiday debut.
Best Original Song:
Who Should Win? “Skyfall” Music and Lyrics by Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth (Skyfall)
I’ll be honest. I only bothered writing this category to give what may be one of the best Bond themes in recent memory it’s propers. And what maybe also the best part of the most overhyped Bond film in recent memory (Oh! He went there!)
Who’ll Probably Win: “Skyfall” (Skyfall)
With all the gold that Les Miserables will be taking home it only seems fair to give this one up.
