“Inferno” is weak and confused

Grade: D

Recommendation: Don’t do it to yourself.

Verdict: “Inferno” is confused, obvious, and boring. It also hates on disillusioned young people. Lame piece of work.

Ron Howard’s back in the “Da Vinci Code” armchair with a third installment, “Inferno.” Like all Dan Brown movie adaptations, “Inferno”’s title promises a lot more fire and brimstone than it actually delivers. Hellish and terrifying? Decidedly not. It’s a confused, boring slog that you should avoid like the plague.

Robert Landon (Tom Hanks), a series hero and Harvard professor of symbology, wakes up dazed in a hospital in Florence, Italy, with no idea what he’s doing so far from home.

Suddenly a strong-browed woman dressed as a cop starts shooting at him and he escapes with his doctor, Sienna Brooks (Felicity Jones). The two high tail it through Florence, piecing together Landon’s fractured memory and uncovering a complicated plot to destroy half of humanity with a new plague called Inferno. (Get my joke now? “Avoid like the plague?” So topical!) Turns out a billionaire bioengineer (Ben Foster) thought the solution to humanity’s overpopulation problem is simply thinning the herd, leaving Langdale to stop the virus’ spread.

Sounds thrilling, but it’s oh so drab. There’s almost nothing I like about this movie. Its action sequences are both wholly absurd and way too drawn out to be impactful; its plotting is nonsense, the characters are flimsy and its production is confusing, to say the least.

Before we dig into the rest, we must discuss its fatal flaw. “Inferno” is third in a moneymaking mystery-thriller series. AKA, everybody involved expects a payout no matter what, so quality and care falls by the wayside of a quick, cheap turn out.

Not even the actors seem invested in this movie. Tom Hanks continues his endearing legacy of talking like he’s perpetually confused, Felicity Jones does tries her best to imitate and that lady assassin totally rocks her cop costume. A host of other villains and allies wander through as well, but the only character of note is the mysterious Provost (Irrfan Khan), head of a secret security company that protects richy riches and wielder of great sleeve-concealed knives.

To be fair, they don’t have much to work with. All of the writing services the tragically twisted plot, described to the audience by Hanks every twenty minutes or so to make sure we don’t miss anything. But “twists” aren’t a surprise to a modern viewer anymore, at least not the traditional Dan Brown formula. I’d bet every person in my audience has seen enough formulaic detective TV shows and big-budget thrillers to read this movie from moment one. Girl enters, we know girl is suspicious. Guy claims to be friend, we know guy isn’t really. Nothing in “Inferno” comes as a surprise, which makes it almost unbearable. After all, if a mystery thriller has no mystery, what is it good for?

“Inferno” is so dependant on these twists that the script even lacks the series’ wacky theoretical historical rewriting. At least “The Da Vinci Code” included some weird, detailed historical puzzles. This time around, the puzzle is confined to a handful of clues surrounding Dante’s “Inferno,” none of them particularly clever or compelling.

This laziness extends to the production too. The tortured opening sequence paints for us the bloody visions haunting Landon as he wakes from his stupor in choppy, blurry shots rammed together. I like the concept but the execution is headache-inducing, exaggerated and long to the point of diminishing the effect.

Things only get worse from there as the film’s style settles into uninspired sweeping wide shots and close ups. Another thing about thrillers: if there’s gonna be a lot of running around, at least shoot it in an interesting way?

Perhaps the oddest thing about “Inferno” is the film’s portrayal of young people. Yes, everyone under 35 is crazed and violent, mislead by a charismatic madman to believe the species would be better off after a little crowd control. It’s the wise old guard, Hanks and his crew of card-carrying 50+ clubbers, who save the world from the unstable younguns who think anarchy is the answer to humanity’s problems. Leave it all to the professors and government officials!

“The Davinci Code” series is obviously marketed towards an older audience, but this blatantly isn’t wise anytime you’re looking to make money.

“Inferno” isn’t worth your time or money. Stay at home with a book (the Dan Brown novels are good, I hear). Don’t feed the Brown adaptation machine.