Clueless Gamer: Where The Hell Is The Ball?

The world is full of sports arenas, sports bars and sport-loving homes. Each of those places is stocked with painted, chanting people and those weird plastic tubes that are banged together. It is almost impossible for people who don’t like sports to escape the clutches of a sports fanatic around game time. So, here are a few ways that someone who hates sports can survive a game surrounded by sports fans.


  1.      Get Informed: Before sitting down to watch a game, make sure you research a little bit about the sport so that you aren’t completely lost. It would be good to know a few key words (frequently used terms or lingo). But when needing to know anything at all, for God’s sake know the team you’re cheering for.
  2.      Appropriate Attire: As someone who has no love for sports, I will admit the fact that I only have one sports related shirt (I did not choose to buy it on my own); wearing sports merchandise doesn’t come second nature. So, if you’re invited to a sports game and have nothing to wear the best color to wear is white. Almost every team has white in their color scheme. It’s quick, simple and not biased. Lord knows the worst debate to get into is a sports team related one.
  3.      Copy Someone: Keeping track of what is going on in a game when you have no insight into sports is hard to do. The best thing to do is follow the lead of someone that’s really into the game. Cheer when they cheer, “whoop” when they “whoop”, and cry when they cry.  Don’t be the most clueless person there.
  4.      Find a Safe Place: If you start to feel really uncomfortable about not knowing what’s going on, find a place to hang out away from the TV. Most of the time the best place will be the kitchen. It is the one place where you can pretend to be busy. You can constantly be picking things up, like the courteous guest you are, or you can avoid conversation by constantly eating.

Trying to explain why you don’t like sports to a fan is hard, but getting out of watching a game is harder. Their attempt at getting you into the game is never ending. So here is a list of people you should try to avoid talking to.

  •        The Know It All: This is the person who knows all the players, every play and isn’t afraid to let you know. Give this person one wrong answer and they will expose you as the fraud you are.
  •        The band wagoner: Although they shift from team-to-team these are the people that know everything about sports and are extremely passionate. They will make sure that you look like a fool for not knowing anything just to make themselves feel better about not being a real fan.
  •        The Coach: This is someone who will be calling plays and yelling at players. They don’t actually have an impact on the game, but they don’t know that. They might ask you for your opinion but they really don’t care.
  •        The Trash Talker:  The trash talker yells and uses foul language that will be forgiven on Monday morning.  Their abusive style of celebrating can be pretty scary. Avoid them so you don’t have to be violently yelled at.


Being the clueless gamer at a sports event is a little nerve racking. Hopefully, next time you get stuck watching a game it’ll be easier. Good Luck.