My Virgin Diet began around New Year’s. No, I am not stalking high school girls nor hoping to magically restore my innocence through cuisine. I merely resolved to eat my way toward some semblance of a sustainable physical shape (preferably not round) and back into my most comfortable pair of jeans (not the sequined ones). Do I sound like a woman yet? Read on.
What wonders my curious eyes beheld on the flat screen as I grappled with my one-minute workout and gobbled my lunch, half a can of Pringles – Sour Cream and Onion (gotta have the veggies)! Under multi-colored lights stood J.J. Virgin, self-proclaimed nutrition maven, hawking her health regimen and bantering on about losing pounds and feeling great.
Conquering the urge to gawk at Judge Judy’s latest victim, I kept it tuned instead to PBS, unwittingly sucked in by J.J.’s convivial, half-comedic tone which implied a promise for fulfillment of everything my life had been missing, like the chance to live an extra 20 years, resembling a supermodel. Though my inference lacked any basis in what she actually said, I listened keenly, devouring every word. I had to devour something – I was out of Pringles.
Upon her command to exorcise 7 foods from my diet that cause “food intolerance,” I pondered my new guru’s reasons and my own imagined risks. Eggs – produce food allergies, cause heart attacks, and make your ankles stink. Corn – sugary, starchy, and makes you want to squeal like a pig. Sugars – inflame joints and muscles, lead to diabetes, make you skip and smile like an idiot. Soy – prevents proper metabolism, leads to thyroid problems and creates that not-so-fresh feeling. Dairy – teeming with carcinogens from mistreated cows and causes spills you are expected to detach from emotionally. Peanuts – contain cancer-causing aflatoxin and may prompt midnight-craving trips to sketchy gas stations in South Georgia. Glutens (bread, pasta and other goodness) – makes you fat, leading to heart attacks, leading to avoiding rollercoasters, leading to abandoning children at amusement parks.
Dark thoughts loomed when considering what remained. Beans and nuts contain lectins (also in glutens), leading to lupus, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and a leaky gut. Chickens filled with hormones and other weird stuff cause hormone disorders and other weird stuff. Pork causes heart disease. Red meat causes cancer. Fish has toxic chemicals and shellfish are dirty bottom feeders. Poor shrimps.-Coconuts slow down cell function and create cholesterol. Yummy cereals contain carcinogens like BHT. Wild fowl, organs and scallops lead to gout.
And the corporate garden? Celery, lettuce, spinach, grapes, potatoes, apples, cherries, peaches, pears, and strawberries have high levels of dangerous pesticides. Watermelons, bananas, mangoes and oranges have too much sugar, as do beets, carrots and eggplants. But then, artificial sweeteners lead to every disease known to mankind.
My decision? This must be the diet for me! Four days later, after gaining a pound, I quit. Can’t wait to see what resolution PBS has for me next year.
Where are my Pringles?
