Snitches are looking for work

May this article be a eulogy to crime at Georgia State. Before I begin, I’d like to thank ye, O’ great CSC security. Much recognition goes out to the brave men and women who ride into the face of danger at seven miles per hour on their pearly white Segways. Those Steeler warm-up outfits have really deterred crime away from our campus. But what else may give credit to our safety and why do we seem to do very well compared to other colleges in our area with concern to crime?

Let’s consider a couple things. How about street smarts. I think most of our students, even faculty and staff, keep a G-card. Not every Panther represents Zone 6, but passing through Woodruff Park everyday has probably taught you to keep your guard up. Even though we never really feel threatened walking through the area, it’s just common sense to not flash your new iPad out late at night. If I were interested in jump starting my career in crime and anxious to mug someone, Georgia Tech would seem a bit more ideal. Those kids look like the perfect start-up kit. Not to say it’s like playing Grand Theft Auto on easy mode, I’ll give them Novice maybe. But, compared to GA Tech, we look like the Avengers. I wouldn’t want to run up on Scarlett Johansson’s character either.

Most of the crime that does occur here on campus is due to people’s carelessness. On January 28th of this semester “A report was filed for Theft.  A GSU student stated her I-Phone was stolen after she left it on a countertop in a restaurant. This case is being handled by investigations.” (Sharon Denise Ware, Georgia State Police Reports). I mean really! Come on, finders keepers. Yea, turning it in is the right thing to do, but what if that was a twenty dollar bill? You can’t tell me you would hand over your next tank of gas to the authorities and actually believe they’re going to find the rightful owner. An iPhone does have a lot more value, but you can only be mad at yourself. (Sorry, whoever you are).

The rest of the crime is petty. “Police responded to a shoplifting call. Upon arrival the complainant identified a student who was attempting to steal a food product. No charges were pressed and the student was issued a CTW from the establishment.” (Sharon Denise Ware, Georgia State Police Reports). You got caught for stealing food? You can go ahead and kiss your Scarface dreams goodbye. Matter of fact, you should be banned from even mentioning classical mob movies such as Goodfellas, The Godfather, American Gangsta, and New Jack City. I hope none of these criminals are my friends because you have in turn robbed yourself of any dignity.

So, R.I.P to crime at GSU. You had a solid run, but even like 30 Rock, your time has come to an end. Farewell purse-snatchers, good bye burglars, and adios assailants. May thou rest in peace and never return.

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