With Valentine’s Day on our doorstep, it’s important to remind ourselves that “elegance” stops at the romantic dinner and chocolate boxes. No matter how suave we think we are, we’re all kinda grody in the bedroom. So here’s a list of five ridiculous sex scenes to keep us humble.
5) “Shoot ‘Em Up” (2007): Tensions run high when it comes to Michael Davis’s over-the-top action flick, but no one can dismiss the absurdity of Clive Owen shooting a bunch of people while pounding Monica Bellucci. I’m sure we all feel like Owen at some point or another, but let’s be clear: none of us are that cool in bed. (Plus there’s a baby in the room, which makes it kinda awkward.)
4) “Crank” (2006): A drugged out Jason Statham, that famed self-parody of a man, has to keep his heart rate pounding or he’ll die. So naturally he bangs his girlfriend Amy Smart in the middle of Chinatown. It’s absolutely wild.
3) “The Naked Gun” (1988): Leslie Nielsen has to be on any “ridiculous” list, so even with brief, skinless sex scene he’s made it to number 3. The image of Nielsen and Priscilla Presley covered head to toe in full-size condoms makes Nielson’s “safe sex” parody a winner.
2) “Team America: World Police” (2004): Nothing says “sex is ridiculous” like showing us all of our favorite dirty deeds played out by vaguely human-looking puppets. It’s a full minute and a half of Ken Doll-style grinding, free of genitalia and bodily liquids. It’s freaking hilarious, a solid joke and a two way mirror shining a hard light on our own sexual proclivities: yes, sex this weird even when you have the right parts.
1) “The Room” (2003): Tommy Wiseau’s masterpiece is crazy from start to finish, but the sex scenes top this list as some of the most uncomfortable images ever put to film. You know Wiseau thought he was making the hottest softcore porn ever. Thankfully for us, the result is uncomfortably unforgettable.
Special Mention: This year’s “The Handmaiden” isn’t ridiculous in the same way these other films are, but it does include a delightfully fluid-heavy sex scene between Kim Min-hee and Kim Tae-ri. It starts off super hot and quickly becomes gross and sloppy, making it an excellent, if not particularly wacky, reminder that sex is disgusting.
So take a cue from these films and go into your next hook up prepared for whatever comes your way. As these scenes remind us, sex doesn’t need to be taken seriously. The strange stuff is the best stuff.